The Missing Years

opening vision 

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   In the gentle hours of dawn each morning, I used to play with the glowing spheres of love that danced around my room as a child. When I innocently asked a few little friends about their glowing spheres of love, they told me I must be from another planet. I questioned myself, as all children do. Then I noticed a very important thing; my cat saw the glowing spheres of love as well. He followed them exactly as I saw them moving around the room.

And as he watched, he would purrr.

   At that young age I believed everything was made up of infinite love, dancing around in different forms.  Knowing everything as love is a wonderful way to live.

   As I grew and traveled to larger cities such as New York, Hong Kong, Paris and London, things appeared VERY different than they did living in a sweet little house nestled in the woods surrounded by dancing love particles.  

   I was perplexed by “people” who appeared vacant, empty, robotic and cold; by areas that made the hair on my arms rise up; by shadows that would appear behind people when they were angry. There was obviously a lot more to learn about life.

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   In 2004 I was driving along Pacific Coast Highway in Malibu on the way to a meeting in Los Angeles when my cell phone rang. The laws that prohibited cell phone use in automobiles was not in place until 2006. I answered the phone and it was a girl I had never spoken to before. To this day I have no idea how she found my number or who she was. She told me her sister had gone missing after writing a suicide note, so she asked me to tune into her sister.

   Feeling awkward and unprepared, I tuned in and saw her sister sitting beside a lake surrounded by mountains. She was very peaceful and relaxed. I told the girl everything I saw, then, in an attempt to sooth her, I offered,“She is so tranquil, she does not feel like someone who is about to commit suicide.” The girl thanked me and hung up.

   The next day she called again to tell me she had called her sisters shrink immediately after speaking with me. The shrink told her the sister had just spoken to her on the phone. She was sitting beside a beautiful lake surrounded by mountains. She was very peaceful and relaxed because she had made the decision to kill herself. They found her body shortly afterward.

   The sister was not upset with me. She could not imagine any reason her sister would write a suicide note or kill herself either. It made no sense whatsoever. She was stunned and horrified, as was I.

   The entire day I went over and over and over in my memory every aspect of what I saw in my vision, feeling out every image of that poor girl sitting by the lake, trying to see how I missed what was really going on. I felt completely mystified until that evening, and then I saw it. The void standing behind her like a shadow. The inconceivable darkness I had yet to understand. The darkness that had always seemed too impossible to look into. I knew at that moment I had to close my practice and learn about the shadow to avoid making this mistake again.

   Without any idea of where to begin or how it would unfold, I followed certain leads and embarked upon a journey that took me way beyond my comfort zone. Many people reached out to me during those missing years and I was unable to reach back or explain why.  I hope you will all forgive me for being unable to comprehend, articulate or share all that was being revealed. Risking an ounce of focus elsewhere felt perilous.

roller coaster

    The Missing Years were horrifying, shocking, debilitating and confusing years of revelation. Traumatized, spiritually battered, and emotionally torn apart eight years later, I went to the woods to heal and integrate. At rest, it all came together with profound clarity.

My wish is to make the process of integrating all that has been hidden much easier for anyone who is interested, through stories and posts that break it down easily.

   With awareness of the shadow and awareness of the light, I will tell you this. Your body is animated by the human soul and the human soul is pure love and joy. The human soul would never do anything to harm the body it inhabits or any other life. Love is all it knows.

   Thoughts of suicide, hatred, revenge, desire for pity, battle, self-destruction, competition, victimhood or martyrdom; and to some extent fear, are signs the soul is being interfered with. 



I still believe love is all that exists,
but when we dip below our natural childlike frequencies
we enter a realm of illusion that can take us off course.

It’s all part of the play.